theyellowhobbit

So I was at SNL tonight despite my sickness [Simone and I only have 1 chapter to finish before the Siyum we're learning for, and we're meeting next week, which is before the siyum, so b'ezrat Hashem we will finish on time...] and put myself in quarantine. I didn't go anywhere near the food, and I even had Becky get me a cup, so I wouldn't get germs on the other cups.

I strained my voice a lot, since I read all the English aloud. I was kind-of hoping Simone would do both Hebrew and English, but then again, she didn't have a translated book because there are only 2 in the Beit Midrash and another chevruta is learningg the same thing we are. So I had to read half, out loud, with my quite dead voice.

(Actually my voice is on vacation in Costa Rica, but it got lost, since they don't have addresses there. I may have to go and fetch it at some point.)

So then I went downstairs to daven ma'ariv. When we got up to the Shmoneh Esrei [the most important prayer in Jewish davening, we first praise G-d, and then request things from Him for all Jews, and then for ourselves if we have a need] an itch came to my throat. I tried not to cough, considering that everyone was praying silently and I would probably distract them. But I had to cough. I was at the 4th prayer out of 19. I coughed a few times, ran to the back of the room to get a sip of water, and then ran out completely to cough some more where I would be less audible.

Then, thinking I was ok for now, and my throat was not hurting just enough to manage a shmoneh esrei, I came back and started again. By now everyone else was finishing [they were all davening quicker than me to begin with]. The shmoneh esrei starts out, ironically enough, with the words "Hashem, open my lips that my mouth may declare Your glory."

I got to the 4th prayer, and the itch in my throat came up again, but I pushed on. Of course, I usually add my own prayers in the middle of shema koleinu, but I cut it short because everyone else was completely done with services, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold out.

I'm wondering if G-d didn't want me to address Him, or maybe that he didn't want me to the first time, because maybe I would have prayed for something He didn't want me to pray for. Maybe if I had been able to pray round 1, He would have listened... Is that a ridiculous idea?

As I was walking down the ice-ridden Walnut street, I received some brilliant insights that I would like to share with you.

First of all, I reflected on what Josh said to me last night as I was crying over the futility of trying to be in a frum room next year. He said that it hurts to be my friend sometimes, because I get this way; always so self defeating. I always think things will turn out badly, and I have no self esteem.

*Though to my credit I try to make up for this hurt by at least being the nicest person I can be and helping out people whenever I can in order to make them happy.*

In intro to psychlogy we learned about schemas [which are ways of thinking]. There are positie schemas and negative schemas. Positive ones think that for good things they're permanent, affect all areas of life, and have to do directly with the good in the person, For bad things, it's not necessarily their fault, it's temporary, and it it doesn't affect everything.

I think there's a middle ground on which I stand,[though Josh disagrees] because at least with academics, I recognize my own brilliance. However, I don't think academics are my top priority. There are other things I'd rather suceed at.

And it's perfectly rational to be upset about the room situation. Even if I get to thinking that people hate me when I really know they don't. I need to rationalize it somehow, to deal with my justice complex.

And I'm not THAT self-defeating. Josh said I can't just sit there and do nothing. So as soon as I got back, I amde the post to the newsgroup about my situation. And I'm still asking people what they are doing.

I may have little self esteem, but at least I don't insult others. I redirect all my hate to myself. It's definitely not good to be thinking "maybe I don't deserve to have self esteem..."

Does ir really hurt that much to be my friend? Please tell me if it does. I'll give you a hug. :)
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I've come to realize that relationships [though I don't have any actual experience] aren't what I thought they were. I always thought that some day I'd [hopefully] find the perfect boyfriend, and he would be the most important person in my life, and I in his. And when guys didn't like me, I always interpreted it that they didn't like me ENOUGH.

But it isn't like that. You can care for someone deeply and love them immensely and still be just their friend, and be perfectly content that way. You don't necessarily like people more or less, you like them DIFFERENTLY. It took me until tonight to actually believe this.

Sometimes a relationship isn't such a good thing. I was thinking yesterday about the fight Josh and I had on Saturday night, and told him that I realize why things would never work out. The fact that the fight was so emotional and stressful and horrific in the sense of how mean and manipulative I could try to be really bothered me. If it was that bad and we are just friends...

The fact is that you can like a friend more than a boy/girl friend. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's much good in it.

I also realize that I could never go out with a guy who I wasn't friends with first, which is another reason for the whole Jesse/Ben thing. I don't just mean get along with, but someone who I can talk to and feel comfortable telling my problems to. If a guy were my boyfriend first, I would always be self-concious of what I was saying and could never be completely honest about myself, only showing him parts of my personality.

The flip side is that my friends see everything about me, and if it hurts to be my friend, I guess it would hurt a lot to be my boyfriend, though. And that's the problem.

Guys like me for about 3 days. [I have a whole thing about hooking up and an explanation I'm not going to give right now, you've probably heard it already.] If they really get to know me, they see what an intense, emotional, person I am. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but maybe it's too much.

I wish I could show most of me, like enough to be comfortable with a guy, but keep in the few things that are troublesome. Like my lack of self esteem. I need a slightly-edited version of me.

Maybe I can be accepted for who I am, because I'm sick of changing it.

Someday.