Does it hurt?

As I was walking down the ice-ridden Walnut street, I received some brilliant insights that I would like to share with you.

First of all, I reflected on what Josh said to me last night as I was crying over the futility of trying to be in a frum room next year. He said that it hurts to be my friend sometimes, because I get this way; always so self defeating. I always think things will turn out badly, and I have no self esteem.

*Though to my credit I try to make up for this hurt by at least being the nicest person I can be and helping out people whenever I can in order to make them happy.*

In intro to psychlogy we learned about schemas [which are ways of thinking]. There are positie schemas and negative schemas. Positive ones think that for good things they're permanent, affect all areas of life, and have to do directly with the good in the person, For bad things, it's not necessarily their fault, it's temporary, and it it doesn't affect everything.

I think there's a middle ground on which I stand,[though Josh disagrees] because at least with academics, I recognize my own brilliance. However, I don't think academics are my top priority. There are other things I'd rather suceed at.

And it's perfectly rational to be upset about the room situation. Even if I get to thinking that people hate me when I really know they don't. I need to rationalize it somehow, to deal with my justice complex.

And I'm not THAT self-defeating. Josh said I can't just sit there and do nothing. So as soon as I got back, I amde the post to the newsgroup about my situation. And I'm still asking people what they are doing.

I may have little self esteem, but at least I don't insult others. I redirect all my hate to myself. It's definitely not good to be thinking "maybe I don't deserve to have self esteem..."

Does ir really hurt that much to be my friend? Please tell me if it does. I'll give you a hug. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've come to realize that relationships [though I don't have any actual experience] aren't what I thought they were. I always thought that some day I'd [hopefully] find the perfect boyfriend, and he would be the most important person in my life, and I in his. And when guys didn't like me, I always interpreted it that they didn't like me ENOUGH.

But it isn't like that. You can care for someone deeply and love them immensely and still be just their friend, and be perfectly content that way. You don't necessarily like people more or less, you like them DIFFERENTLY. It took me until tonight to actually believe this.

Sometimes a relationship isn't such a good thing. I was thinking yesterday about the fight Josh and I had on Saturday night, and told him that I realize why things would never work out. The fact that the fight was so emotional and stressful and horrific in the sense of how mean and manipulative I could try to be really bothered me. If it was that bad and we are just friends...

The fact is that you can like a friend more than a boy/girl friend. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's much good in it.

I also realize that I could never go out with a guy who I wasn't friends with first, which is another reason for the whole Jesse/Ben thing. I don't just mean get along with, but someone who I can talk to and feel comfortable telling my problems to. If a guy were my boyfriend first, I would always be self-concious of what I was saying and could never be completely honest about myself, only showing him parts of my personality.

The flip side is that my friends see everything about me, and if it hurts to be my friend, I guess it would hurt a lot to be my boyfriend, though. And that's the problem.

Guys like me for about 3 days. [I have a whole thing about hooking up and an explanation I'm not going to give right now, you've probably heard it already.] If they really get to know me, they see what an intense, emotional, person I am. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but maybe it's too much.

I wish I could show most of me, like enough to be comfortable with a guy, but keep in the few things that are troublesome. Like my lack of self esteem. I need a slightly-edited version of me.

Maybe I can be accepted for who I am, because I'm sick of changing it.

Someday.

Not leaving the building.

I got no sleep last night, because I went to bed at 4, despite being done talking to Ari at 2. Let's just say that Hebrew is a bitch. She didn't even check my homework!!!! I was late because no one was at the table until 11:10, so she might have gone over the homework then, but if I'm getting carpel tunnel [spelling?] I should have a good reason for it. Like knitting.

On my way up to Middle East in the 20th Century, I was in the slow, slow elevator with Zach, a CJC-ite. I asked if he had done the reading yet. He said no. I said that I hadn't either [napping in Hillel takes priority, as do late night conversations with people]. Of course, our teacher was in the elevator with us! At least nothing is close to being due yet...

Sitting next to Josh in class is interesting. *And I know you're going to read this sooner or later, Josh* He's like a cat. If you give him a ball of yarn or a knitted scarf or something, he'll ignore it, but if you're knitting, he'll play with it as you're trying to work.

I had more tabling this afternoon but we stopped a half hour early.

This time gave me enough time to go to Hillel, where I had to go anyways to drop things off. I asked the dining people if I could get ice cream even though lunch was over, and they let me help myself. The salad bar was still open and there was still pizza left, so I effectively had a free lunch [despite the adage...]

Then I got to go prop shopping with Julie, Jo, Sarah, and Lisa. I got the sewing machine!

Now I'm in Hillel again. Bethany got pretty yarn and crochet hooks and taught me how to do kippot. I'll be making them for all my Jewish guy friends, and my Reform or Conservative female friends that wear kippot. And myself. It takes more time than knitting, but it gives me some variety.

Someday in the distant future I'm davening with OCP and wearing my tallis and a kippah. And t'fillin [though I have none]. That will be fun.

*No, I'm not actually planning on doing this. I'm not crazy. Or contreversial*

I have teatron and links and dinner tonight, so I decided it was easier to just not leave. I better get something accomplished besides knitting/crocheting.

~Rachel