long conversation with Josh

I think in circles, my negativity is my own fault. Somewhere I have the power to change it.

So I'm going to think happier thoughts and focus on the good, because apparenty everyone is really worried about me?

Should they be? This is how I was throughout high school [though I was much worse off then] and somehow I survived that. And I am a lot happier here than I was there. I just get impatient, irrational, and whiny sometimes.

Happy thoughts.

Once upon a time I wrote a song with a friend [I wrote the lyrics, he put a tune to it.] We never really came up with a good title, but it's sort of called "Rainbow" I suppose. I'm gonna post it, despite the fact that it's very corny and was written junior year:

Chorus: When all of your troubles are too hard to bear
And when you go for help, and no one is there
Go ahead and cry, but don't giev up just remember
You gotta go through the rain to see a rainbow, yeah.

1. There are times that it seems
The whole world's out to get me, and no one's there
Who can I go to when I'm feeling sad?
I think there's no one to confide, I need to have you by my side
When I think of you, it helps me to be strong

Chorus

2.There are times that I hope
That things will soon get better, and my troubles gone
But in my heart I know
The change will have to be my own
They say that it's the way I think
But I think the world, the world makes me feel this way.

Chorus

Bridge: When you have fallen into a well of despair
And you wonder how to get out of there
Don't worry I'll send you down a line
And we can get through this in the nick of time

{guitar solo}


3.Now it's time that you should know
That things will soon get better, G-d will see to that
And in your heart you know
The worst of all your pain is gone
And I am standing by your side
Yes the change will have to be your own
But know this: you are not alone

Chorus

You gotta go through the rain to see a rainbow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Corny, right? Especially if you hear it sung. It's cute actually, and one of the few songs I can play well on guitar. Noam Katz recorded it with me and Marc Katz [not related to Noam, he's the one who wrote it with me] singing and guitaring. I want to sing it for you if you haven't heard it yet. Which would mean Josh, Ariela, and Ari.

But I think it illustrates my thinking. From when I was more screwed up. I still realized what I had to do. It's just taken me until now. Well I hope now I've got it.

Maybe I should take up writing songs again.

Some of my other ones are better.

4 AM is not the time to be outside in flipflops..

And yet somehow I managed to do so. At 3:15 I finished my response paper and went to bed. At 4-ish I was woken up by Becky, because the fire alarm was going off. I was wearing my leopard print pajamas, so I put a bathrob on over them. I put on the closest footwear, which were the flipflops, got my penncard and room key, and ran out.

Of course, it's 0 degrees out there. And my toes hurt. Becky thought to go across the street to Levine and stay in there where, although unheated, it was at least shelter.

Once people were beng let in it still took forever. At this point I was almost in tears. I really did think I was gonna lose my toes. Fortunately I didn't.

I got to bed again at 4:30

And somehow managed to go to class.