Addendum to last post

[theyellowhobbit]

I guess the other problem is that I left out of the last post is that I still feel bound to the Orthodox community. If I started davening CJC again, if I started wear tzitzit and kippot and tallit and t'fillin, I'd run the risk of marginalizing myself. People would take notice and lose respect for me.

It was all well and good when I wasn't observant to begin with -- I didn't know any better. No one could hold my upbringing against me. But to have become observant, and then knowingly "break halacha" [or halacha as defined by the OCP] would be something that caused people to lose respect for me. I'd be "leaving the community." I would risk losing friends. And there's no comparitive community that I could move to. There's no "reform community" at Penn that is actually cohesive and does stuff not on Friday nights on a regular basis. They're only Shabbat Jews, unless at NFTY events, which end when you start college. Same with mainstream conservative. CJC is way better than the outside Conservative world, but it's still tiny compared to OCP [which is why I got to read TOrah weekly-- they needed me to!] In the real world I'd be on my own again, though I guess I will be anyways.

Maybe people won't notice me davening CJC on shabbat. It would be my own business if I counted myself in a minyan again (which for me would require me to start davening daily again for it to be justifiable). People in OCP would never see me read Torah. But then rumors in the OCP travel faster than the speed of light [evidence of which was the speed of everyone finding out when Danny and Alyssa got engaged on Purim last year]. Then I'd of course be subjected to many debates. And A would be a jerk [like he always is on this topic] and tell me how I have Torah values and "know better" and am obviously doing something wrong and am encouraging egalatarianism.

Actually that last point might be a motivation, because he can really annoy me.

But I'm afraid of disappointing people. Everyone was so proud of me when I first became frum. Now they're indifferent, and don't notice how much I'm struggling.

Comments

[alanscottevil.livejournal.com]

damn girl. transfer to maryland. i dunno how much penn stories i can take without driving up there to smack some respect into the little obnoxious frummer-than-yall delinquents.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

most of them really aren't that way. maybe i'm projecting my own frummer than thou mentality on to them. Like I would percieve myself as less frum, therefore everyone else would, and for some reason that would matter.

Though you smacking respect into people would be quite a sight to see :)

[nesheekah.livejournal.com]

Rachel, your Jewish observance is between you and God. Staying frum for appearances doesn't do you any good. If you were going to write your spiritual autobiography, whose opinion of your observance/connection would matter most? Anyoen that criticizes you for trying to find the right place -- no matter where that is -- is doing you a disservice, which is just not OK Jewishly (in my opinion). If non-egalitarianism is a value for you, that's one thing. If you're doing it for other people, you're doing yourself a disservice. You shouldn't be prevented from praying in a way that your soul needs because you're female.

More valid is your concern about finding another Jewish community. I don't know enough about Penn to help on that one.

Best of luck. I'll say mishebeirach for you, if that's ok.

[archgirl06.livejournal.com]

You said what I wanted to say better than I would have. I agree completely.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

No offense, but I'd rather you not say mishebeirach, since my haskafa is that it should really only be said for seriously ill people, and right now, baruch Hashem, I'm not seriously ill, so therefore it would be a bracha l'bateila But thanks for the sentiment!

[masteraleph.livejournal.com]

You are aware that there are plenty of reasons to say mishebeirachs? I know that you're used to the Mishebeirach for cholim, but there are ones for just about every event- usually lifetime events (birth, wedding, etc) but plenty that aren't, including the general mishebeirach for an oleh, which OCP does for every guy who goes up to the torah, regardless. For a sampling, see 442-443b in the standard hebrew/english artscroll, but there are lots more in other editions and other siddurim. You can of course still object to it.

[nesheekah.livejournal.com]

Sure thing. Good vibes, then.

[(Anonymous)]

look at Josh's comment above yours here. He just explained the non-medical mishebeirach thing. If there's that genre of non-cholim mi shebeirach that you could say, then that would be fine and welcome

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

that last one was me if you couldn't tell

[kressel.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't really know that you want my input, but I can't help but give it anyway. Why can't you connect to Hashem in the ways that the Torah does permit? You can learn and daven on your own time in your own apartment. If the community isn't what's happening for you, build it up around yourself.

Above all, I think you should listen to shiurim on getting through the tough times. There are plenty of them out there, and I'll even mail you some if you like. By becoming shomeres Shabbos and shomeres negiah, you've made tremendous strides in Torah behavior. Perhaps now it's time to strengthen the inner things, like emunah and bitachon.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

I don't know why I can't connect to Hashem in Torah-permitted ways. I'm just not passionate about learning like I am about singing prayer. I don't know why I'm that way, but I am. Learning is fun, but it never really makes me feel connected to Hashem. It's more of an intellectual exercize for me. And daily davening just seems like we're all going through the motions rather than pouring out our hearts in prayer.

There was a certain type of ruach that NFTY services had, even if they were fluffy. Conservative services kind of have the ruach, but less so. Orthodox can have it, like at carlbach minyanim, but there isn't so much ruach here. And I don't feel the ruach by myself; it only really happens with larger groups of people.

Being shomeret shabbas used to make me feel connected to G-d. Now it has somehow lost its mystical aspect, and it's just what I do on shabbat. I never feel deprived and I still do look fowards to it every week, but the novelty of the day has worn off, at least when Im at Penn. Other places are different.

[kressel.livejournal.com]

It sounds like what you need to do is to get out more. There's a big Orthodox Jewish world out there. For starters, I heard from a Chabad BT in Philly via my website this week. Shall I put you in touch? (BTW, she's a Harry Potter fan.)

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

sure. give her my e-mail.

[kressel.livejournal.com]

Did it. And I'm putting the wheels in motion regarding other connections as well.

[prezzey.livejournal.com]

And I don't feel the ruach by myself; it only really happens with larger groups of people.

Maybe you should work on that...? I don't know how, so I can just make guesses. Read a bit into the more mystical side of Judaism, maybe? Aryeh Kaplan... Breslover stuff... have you tried something of the sort? It might even make you feel more of a connection to Hashem while learning.

[kressel.livejournal.com]

Aryeh Kaplan, excellent suggestion. At once academic and emotional. But if you want more of an "escape" Rachel, I recommend Wings by Uri Meir Gottesman. It's a Jewish novel. You might even call it a Jewish fantasy novel. It's awesome.

prezzey, I'm friending you. I'd love to hear about the life of a Jew in Hungary. I didn't know there were any left.

[prezzey.livejournal.com]

There are more than 100.000 Jews in Budapest alone. (There is even a community blog, Judapest (http://www.judapest.org/)!) Alas, most Hungarian Jews are completely secular, they identify as Jewish for some degree, but this kind of identity is based on 1. the Holocaust (what a thing to base an identity on!!!) and 2. a sense of tribalism. (The connotations might not make it across the language barrier, so I cite an example. A friend of mine who is halachically Jewish ran into this in a really nasty way, his classmates told him he was not Jewish enough, "Jewish" defined with some kind of "blood" percentage. It didn't matter that his mother was Jewish and these guys' fathers were, at most...)

[prezzey.livejournal.com]

Friended! Be warned, though, my recent entries are mostly lab/statistics rants. It's that time of the year. Finals! A desperate freshman just called me less than an hour ago (it's 10 PM here!)...

(Sorry sen_ichi_rei for cluttering up your post!)

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

well, leading kabbalat shabat, laining, tfilin, and tallit are all torah permitted.
the problem is with people giving you flak more than it's with the halacha, right?

[cynara-linnaea.livejournal.com]

Perhaps I am being naive, or overly optimistic when I say that I don't think that most people would trouble themselves excessively if you went to CJC. Yes, it's very much against the norm to "slide back down" the frumkheit scale here, but the Conservative community here is tolerated, and even respected by OCPers, even if we are regarded as somewhat strange, (myself most notably). While they might not agree with your actions, I highly doubt that anyone would shun you. And if they did, that is in direct conflict with their own ideals of menschlich behavior. There is no excuse for rudeness, not even chazara b'sheela.

[desh]

Exactly. People wouldn't care. If they do, they shouldn't. If they think less of you because of where you daven, then I think a lot less of them, so it evens out.

[nuqotw.livejournal.com]

Most people won't care. You are neither naive nor excessively optimistic.

Also, it's hard to care since there are CJCers frummer that OCPers. You could be one of them!

[nuqotw.livejournal.com]

You are in a difficult place -- all those who fail to meet an established "Orthodox Norm" by choice or by accident but are observant nonetheless need to carve out a place in the Jewish world that is home. That such a necessity arises is no great surprise; entering a world that did not previously have a space for you requires creating that space.

It is okay to be angry with Hashem. It's even healthy. It's even better to scream out your anger at G-d. Lash out, make your frustration known on no uncertain terms. Just be respectful. No relationship is smooth all the time. A relationship with G-d is no different. It is when the dialogue breaks down that emunah can fail. Expressing anger is maintaining the dialogue. I posit that it is even a form of t'fillah. Ribono Shel Olam, I am angry. Where are You when I need You?

Rabbi Zusya said: 'In the world to come, I shall not be asked, 'Why were you not Moses?' I shall be asked, 'Why were you not Zusya?' ' Whatever you do, be yourself first. G-d put you on this earth to be you, not to live by someone else's alleged norms.

Be proud of every ounce of yourself. It's worth being proud of. Faith will come with it.

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

and rachel, we (I assume that the othe people commenting here agree) are proud of you no matter what religious path you take, and we do care that you are struggling. Some people may be jerks-- there are always people like that-- but your friends will understand. Have you spoken to friends at Penn about the issues your having?