Addendum to last post

[theyellowhobbit]

I guess the other problem is that I left out of the last post is that I still feel bound to the Orthodox community. If I started davening CJC again, if I started wear tzitzit and kippot and tallit and t'fillin, I'd run the risk of marginalizing myself. People would take notice and lose respect for me.

It was all well and good when I wasn't observant to begin with -- I didn't know any better. No one could hold my upbringing against me. But to have become observant, and then knowingly "break halacha" [or halacha as defined by the OCP] would be something that caused people to lose respect for me. I'd be "leaving the community." I would risk losing friends. And there's no comparitive community that I could move to. There's no "reform community" at Penn that is actually cohesive and does stuff not on Friday nights on a regular basis. They're only Shabbat Jews, unless at NFTY events, which end when you start college. Same with mainstream conservative. CJC is way better than the outside Conservative world, but it's still tiny compared to OCP [which is why I got to read TOrah weekly-- they needed me to!] In the real world I'd be on my own again, though I guess I will be anyways.

Maybe people won't notice me davening CJC on shabbat. It would be my own business if I counted myself in a minyan again (which for me would require me to start davening daily again for it to be justifiable). People in OCP would never see me read Torah. But then rumors in the OCP travel faster than the speed of light [evidence of which was the speed of everyone finding out when Danny and Alyssa got engaged on Purim last year]. Then I'd of course be subjected to many debates. And A would be a jerk [like he always is on this topic] and tell me how I have Torah values and "know better" and am obviously doing something wrong and am encouraging egalatarianism.

Actually that last point might be a motivation, because he can really annoy me.

But I'm afraid of disappointing people. Everyone was so proud of me when I first became frum. Now they're indifferent, and don't notice how much I'm struggling.

Comments

[kressel.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't really know that you want my input, but I can't help but give it anyway. Why can't you connect to Hashem in the ways that the Torah does permit? You can learn and daven on your own time in your own apartment. If the community isn't what's happening for you, build it up around yourself.

Above all, I think you should listen to shiurim on getting through the tough times. There are plenty of them out there, and I'll even mail you some if you like. By becoming shomeres Shabbos and shomeres negiah, you've made tremendous strides in Torah behavior. Perhaps now it's time to strengthen the inner things, like emunah and bitachon.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

I don't know why I can't connect to Hashem in Torah-permitted ways. I'm just not passionate about learning like I am about singing prayer. I don't know why I'm that way, but I am. Learning is fun, but it never really makes me feel connected to Hashem. It's more of an intellectual exercize for me. And daily davening just seems like we're all going through the motions rather than pouring out our hearts in prayer.

There was a certain type of ruach that NFTY services had, even if they were fluffy. Conservative services kind of have the ruach, but less so. Orthodox can have it, like at carlbach minyanim, but there isn't so much ruach here. And I don't feel the ruach by myself; it only really happens with larger groups of people.

Being shomeret shabbas used to make me feel connected to G-d. Now it has somehow lost its mystical aspect, and it's just what I do on shabbat. I never feel deprived and I still do look fowards to it every week, but the novelty of the day has worn off, at least when Im at Penn. Other places are different.

[kressel.livejournal.com]

It sounds like what you need to do is to get out more. There's a big Orthodox Jewish world out there. For starters, I heard from a Chabad BT in Philly via my website this week. Shall I put you in touch? (BTW, she's a Harry Potter fan.)

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

sure. give her my e-mail.

[kressel.livejournal.com]

Did it. And I'm putting the wheels in motion regarding other connections as well.

[prezzey.livejournal.com]

And I don't feel the ruach by myself; it only really happens with larger groups of people.

Maybe you should work on that...? I don't know how, so I can just make guesses. Read a bit into the more mystical side of Judaism, maybe? Aryeh Kaplan... Breslover stuff... have you tried something of the sort? It might even make you feel more of a connection to Hashem while learning.

[kressel.livejournal.com]

Aryeh Kaplan, excellent suggestion. At once academic and emotional. But if you want more of an "escape" Rachel, I recommend Wings by Uri Meir Gottesman. It's a Jewish novel. You might even call it a Jewish fantasy novel. It's awesome.

prezzey, I'm friending you. I'd love to hear about the life of a Jew in Hungary. I didn't know there were any left.

[prezzey.livejournal.com]

There are more than 100.000 Jews in Budapest alone. (There is even a community blog, Judapest (http://www.judapest.org/)!) Alas, most Hungarian Jews are completely secular, they identify as Jewish for some degree, but this kind of identity is based on 1. the Holocaust (what a thing to base an identity on!!!) and 2. a sense of tribalism. (The connotations might not make it across the language barrier, so I cite an example. A friend of mine who is halachically Jewish ran into this in a really nasty way, his classmates told him he was not Jewish enough, "Jewish" defined with some kind of "blood" percentage. It didn't matter that his mother was Jewish and these guys' fathers were, at most...)

[prezzey.livejournal.com]

Friended! Be warned, though, my recent entries are mostly lab/statistics rants. It's that time of the year. Finals! A desperate freshman just called me less than an hour ago (it's 10 PM here!)...

(Sorry sen_ichi_rei for cluttering up your post!)

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

well, leading kabbalat shabat, laining, tfilin, and tallit are all torah permitted.
the problem is with people giving you flak more than it's with the halacha, right?