Addendum to last post
Jan. 19th, 2006 11:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theyellowhobbitI guess the other problem is that I left out of the last post is that I still feel bound to the Orthodox community. If I started davening CJC again, if I started wear tzitzit and kippot and tallit and t'fillin, I'd run the risk of marginalizing myself. People would take notice and lose respect for me.
It was all well and good when I wasn't observant to begin with -- I didn't know any better. No one could hold my upbringing against me. But to have become observant, and then knowingly "break halacha" [or halacha as defined by the OCP] would be something that caused people to lose respect for me. I'd be "leaving the community." I would risk losing friends. And there's no comparitive community that I could move to. There's no "reform community" at Penn that is actually cohesive and does stuff not on Friday nights on a regular basis. They're only Shabbat Jews, unless at NFTY events, which end when you start college. Same with mainstream conservative. CJC is way better than the outside Conservative world, but it's still tiny compared to OCP [which is why I got to read TOrah weekly-- they needed me to!] In the real world I'd be on my own again, though I guess I will be anyways.
Maybe people won't notice me davening CJC on shabbat. It would be my own business if I counted myself in a minyan again (which for me would require me to start davening daily again for it to be justifiable). People in OCP would never see me read Torah. But then rumors in the OCP travel faster than the speed of light [evidence of which was the speed of everyone finding out when Danny and Alyssa got engaged on Purim last year]. Then I'd of course be subjected to many debates. And A would be a jerk [like he always is on this topic] and tell me how I have Torah values and "know better" and am obviously doing something wrong and am encouraging egalatarianism.
Actually that last point might be a motivation, because he can really annoy me.
But I'm afraid of disappointing people. Everyone was so proud of me when I first became frum. Now they're indifferent, and don't notice how much I'm struggling.
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Date: 2006-01-19 10:16 am (UTC)Rachel, your Jewish observance is between you and God. Staying frum for appearances doesn't do you any good. If you were going to write your spiritual autobiography, whose opinion of your observance/connection would matter most? Anyoen that criticizes you for trying to find the right place -- no matter where that is -- is doing you a disservice, which is just not OK Jewishly (in my opinion). If non-egalitarianism is a value for you, that's one thing. If you're doing it for other people, you're doing yourself a disservice. You shouldn't be prevented from praying in a way that your soul needs because you're female.
More valid is your concern about finding another Jewish community. I don't know enough about Penn to help on that one.
Best of luck. I'll say mishebeirach for you, if that's ok.
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Date: 2006-01-19 11:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-19 11:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-19 06:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-19 06:47 pm (UTC)Sure thing. Good vibes, then.
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Date: 2006-01-19 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-19 08:33 pm (UTC)