Spiritual Highs

[theyellowhobbit]

Edit: I'm making this one public. This was before I talked to Rabbi Mike. Maybe this can convince you all I'm not in it for the compliments.

Before JITW I hadn't had a really good spiritual high in G-d knows how long. Which is why the reintegration part was so darn hard. Yay, I get to go to OCP services where there's no kavanah and people mumble the words and no one gives a damn! Just what I always wanted. I could have nice services once a semester, and the rest of the time I would just have to deal.

Unfortunately, that isn't a good enough solution for me.

So I decided to lead CJC kabbalat shabbat this Friday night.

I decided to use the long lost lecha dodi, but other than that I hadn't really thought much about what else I would do. Beforehand I drank water, warmed up a tad, picked a key for the Romeimu thing [which goes so high!] but that was pretty much it. Oh yeah, and I decided to dress up, though I still wore sneakers.

Oh my G-d. It was the most amazing experience ever. Somehow it was just so powerful. Being able to pour in my heart and my soul, and seeing my energy multiplied, and it felt so right! It took an extra stanza to get everyone to the other lecha dodi, but in the end it worked out. And I was shaking afterwards. Shaking. And I continued to shake all through ma'ariv. And even into Friday night dinner.

And I decided, although I don't identify as Conservative, I just felt so much more right here. I was ok with the mixed seating since platypuses sat between me and Andrew, so it was fine [I don't feel comfortable sitting next to guys during davening.]. And I got to wear cynara_linnaea's tallis.

And then on Saturday, when I usually skip ma'ariv to clean up shalshuddis/be not davening, cynara_linnaea asked if I was counting myself again. I guess I am now, because I told her yes, and was CJC's 10th person for their minyan. And that also felt good.

For all that I was afraid of everyone in OCP finding out, I stopped caring as much. I did leave early on Friday night to collect people downstairs and let them know I was around [CJC finishes a good deal later than OCP]. But that was more so people didn't get lost.

I think I might start reading Torah again. Maybe I'm traditional egal. My ideal minyan would still have a mechitza, or a meshlitza, but I realized that CJC is closer to what I want than OCP. And going to he "frummer" option isn't always the best idea. And it doesn't guarantee comfort.

Comments

[smokingredmoon.livejournal.com]

whatever works best for you :)

[arctic-alpine.livejournal.com]

I envy you being able to lead a community in shira, because my minyan needs it so badly, but I can't give it to them. My minyan needs a lot of things, but inspiring chazzanut would be a good start. and a transliteration.
I've picked koach, but there are things i still miss about kedma. mostly the dancing on friday night, that i could lead at kedma but haven't found anyone to dance with me at kedma during lecha dodi.
I like how we don't have to break up into boxes at JITW. How we don't have to pick adn choose., despite all the compromises, we relaly can have it all.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

if i visited you actually at maryland [as opposed to yaakov and dede's or alan's house] i could lead you a kabalat shabbat. like a travelling chazzan.

cjc has transliterated sim shalom photocopies. i can ask rabbi mike where they come from. and the page numbers are the same as normal sim shalom.

by the way, your yedid nefesh is still weird.

[masteraleph.livejournal.com]

Rabbi Mike got them from Town(e?) and Village, a Conservative synagogue in the East Village (where DCP goes). There should be a Koach transliterated packet floating around that may be available online.

[arctic-alpine.livejournal.com]

I would love to get ahold of that . . . where could i find it?

[arctic-alpine.livejournal.com]

the words or teh tune? doesnt everyone do the same tune?
and we might be weird, but that means the author was weird, cause its based on his origional manuscript rather than alter chasidic modifications.
plus he uses an old aravic influenced gender neutral pronouns, which when talkign abotu God is pretty damn cool.

[desh]

doesnt everyone do the same tune?

No. I know three tunes "designed for" Yedid Nefesh, two of which have certain subtle variations (that I know of) based on who's singing it. And I've heard Yedid Nefesh sung to at least 3 or 4 (and possibly many more) other melodies.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

the words.

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

I would dance with you (next year)

though then people might just think it's a cute sister thing

[arctic-alpine.livejournal.com]

no, NOW!
don't tell me your coming over from the dark side :) but that'll be so much fun to dance at kabbalat shabbat.
irony: mom and dad picked an ortho community cause it seemed like the best way to give their kids a strong jewish community. now look where we're all ending up.

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

oh. actually I misread what you wrote and thought you meant ortho. Though even if I haven't gone egal by next year, I'd dance with you at Koach. Assuming I remembered to come upstairs :)

and ironic, yes, but hey, we are pretty into Jewish stuff, so something worked

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

the way she wrote it was confusing. "mostly the dancing on friday night, that i could lead at kedma but haven't found anyone to dance with me at kedma during lecha dodi." you mean koach there, right?

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

too many K-names

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

Kedma, Koach and Kesher. KKK.

[alanscottevil.livejournal.com]

Are you aware how sad it makes me every week when I see the girls aren't dancing on their side??

Please fix it! Anna will help!

[arctic-alpine.livejournal.com]

i used to start dancing every week at kedma . . . catch the eye of one person, they'll coem over, adn once the two of you are dancing, five or six more will join in. I'm sorry to hear no one's doing it anymore.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

gah. no one in the ocp would ever do that ever. then again, i don't know if it ever happens at cjc, either. penn isn't so dancingy

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

yes, I know. And the situation isn't wonderful, but how sad it makes you is wonderful.

I'll see what I can do next year.

[archgirl06.livejournal.com]

yay. I'm totally traditional egal as well (and we have a Hillel service here for just that now and it's nice) though I'm still sort of torn. I'm proud of you for going with what feels right in your heart.

[desh]

(-:

[batshua]

Meshlitza?

[desh]

Since "trichitza" is grammatically incorrect. (The "chitz", not the "me", is the part that implies two sections.)

[batshua]

You need to splain more…

Three sections?

What, male, female, and mixed?

[desh]

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood your question. The way JITW does it, there's a section for males, a section for females, and a section for anyone. (A handful of people switch back and forth between two sections during the course of services.) I suppose "meshlitza" could refer to other ways of dividing a davening group up into 3 sections, but I think this is what sen_ichi_rei was referring to.

[smokingredmoon.livejournal.com]

more college shabbat services should have seperations like that. especially, if they consider themselves pluralistic. ::cough:: hillel ::cough::

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

actually i was referring to dividing people who can sing, people who can't sing and sing quietly and people who can't sing and sing loudly :-p

[desh]

This mechitzah has really thick walls, yes?

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

well the people who can't sing and sing quietly would be a buffer zone in the middle in case we don't have the thick walls.

[arctic-alpine.livejournal.com]

shouldn't it be meshlisha, because "shlish" means thirds, and so "chitz should eb completely replaces with "shlish"
unless we're trying for phonetic similarity to mechitza to slightly clue people in on what it is.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

i think they wanted the phonetic similarity.

[alanscottevil.livejournal.com]

Congrats on finding another corner of your religious universe.

I think this past Shabbat was the one where I stopped identifying with Orthodoxy, even as "my community" if not "my sect of Judaism". I am so thoroughly post-sectarian now. None of these labels out there fit in reality, so there's nothing wrong with relaxing and being your/myself. Orthodoxy will always be the community that raised me, and my understanding and practice of Judaism is a lot closer to them that to many alternatives, but I can't shove myself into that box anymore.

I don't even see it as an intense act, just sitting back, being yourself, and letting the definitions and the labels and the boxes pass you by.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

wait, what happened this past shabbat?

is this national "I'm no longer Orthodox" weekend?

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

why not-- JITW reintegration seems as good a time as any for that :)

and rach, you're shabbat sounded wonderful

[alanscottevil.livejournal.com]

Heheh nothing crazy happened (well *religiously* nothing crazy happened), I'm gonna post soon about going to Sherri's (conservative) shul to hear Rabbi Golinkin speak.
And I just realized that I was comfortable sitting there because it was a bunch of Jews who were praying together, even if they were doing it in a way I would not choose, and that all my reactions to what Rav Golinkin was saying had nothing to do with me coming from the Ortho. community and him being a big guy in the Israeli 'Servo. community - I kept thinking 'why are you limitting your possibilities by fitting everything into this denominational basket?'

[arctic-alpine.livejournal.com]

r. golinkin spoke at our hebrew school, and listening to him, I realized [one of the] big problmes with conservo is that liberal judaism (by which i mean any philosophy of judaism not based on the mesora being historically true) can't be as hierarchical or authority-based as ortho, yet it still tries to be more structured and rigid. If we're here for subjective reasons, like it being beautiful, meaningful, etc, we're all gonna come out with different opinions, and come to different places.
Which is why the most vibrant traditional/liberal Jewish isntitutions are non/post/transdenominational.

I'd love feedback, critique on my little theory from you guys, does it make any sense? Jibe with your experiences?

[alanscottevil.livejournal.com]

Hm interesting. May be true. For me though it seems mostly to be another result of becoming disillusioned with the standard categories we're all presented with by society.

post-Orthodox

[(Anonymous)]

Hi Rachel,

I'm not a LiveJournal person, but don't need to be anonymous. I'm ALG from http://abacaximamao.blogspot.com. And I'm here to say that I mostly feel post-Orthodox, not post-denominational. I grew up Orthodox and that's still my world view, to some extent, although I no longer think that Orthodoxy is *the* right way to be Jewish or that God necessarily gave the Torah to Moshe from on high. I am open to other reasonable explanations for the origin of the Torah. I'm not fully egalitarian at this point, mostly because I have no desire to lead tefilla. I go to egalitarian services if I have a reason to (aufrauf, good speaker, whatever). My preferred davening scenario is something like Darkhei Noam (www.dnoam.org) in New York, Shira Hadasha in Jerusalem, and other similar minyanim where there is a mechitza and women read Torah and lead select portions of davening. Also, I went to the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th JITW, way back when. A long time ago. (I was friends with the founders.) I think it's changed a lot since my day, but I also found it to be a wonderful, freeing experience.

Anyway, good luck in your struggles. They are not unfamiliar to me.