On being a Jewish woman

[theyellowhobbit]

So I hate being female, and I hate being Orthodox right now.

There, it had to be said.

For the past year or so I've been having problems with my spirituality or lack thereof. For a lot of that time the issue was my depression, but that's mostly been taken care of. Still there is this big hole in what used to be meaningful Jewish life. I only daven on Shabbats now except for when I happen to be in North when there's 11pm maariv or Hillel for the occasional mincha. I only go to 2 shiurim a week and 1 chevruta. [levana_b, what ever happened to our sanhedrinness?] There hasn't been a tisch since...umm...a really long time ago. And I can't sit through shacharit without feeling antsy. The words don't have meaning for me.

I used to be connected through song. I used to get a spiritual high through leading services and reading Torah. But I'm not male, so I rarely get to do either of those things.

S and L used to organize Women's Kabbalat Shabbat, but then they got lazy/busy, and it stopped happening. So I took it upon myself to organize it.

Originally I planned on having Meira lead since I had heard she wanted to do it, but she said she can't really sing so well and she wasn't going to be there anyways.

So then that means I can lead it, right? No, I cna't, because I'm organizing it, and according to Dassi that would look a little sketchy, like I was throwing myself a kabbalat shabbat party.

So either I don't organize it, it never happens and I can't lead it, or I do organize it, I'm the organize it, and I can't lead it. I have to make a sacrifice once again.

Fine, I like doing nice things for people, but only up to a certain point, and this is something I really care about, and I really don't want to ask a freshman girl to lead it because I hate this year's freshman girls, minus the obvious exceptions of the ones I'm friendly with. All 3 of them.

And isn't it enough that I had to give up reading Torah for CJC? And no one has come foward to ask me of they could lead it.

I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it on Friday night, when Raffi or David go around looking for someone to lead Kabbalat Shabbat, and no guy wants to do it. I hate it because I'm on the other side of the mechitza, and I would die for a chance to lead it, and I can't because I'm female.

There are no advantages to me being female. Girls don't get anything special in Judaism. Don't give me the apologetics about being closer to G-d and not needing so many mitzvot. I'm not closer to G-d, I'm not on a higher spiritual level. Don't tell me that a woman's place is in the home. The home is not meaningful to me. I wasn't brought up that way. It's not my mindset. No one who I interact with on a regilar basis values the home as much as the ritual sphere of the shul. And I'm a college student, so it's not like I even have a Jewish household. I'm not married. I don't have kids. I am not making any meaningful contribution to Judaism right now, and apparently as an unmarried woman, I can't. And I hate it. This is the future of my Judaism. I may never get married. Then what? Then what was the point of me being created female? Then why am I not on the path of becoming a Reform or Conservative or Traditional Egalitarian Rabbi?

What have I gained by becoming Orthodox? Where's my reward? Where's my meaning? Where's my spirituality?

Comments

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

hi rach, it's rebecca, I met you over shavuot.
I don't think it looks bad at all if you organize AND lead, especially if you asked other people to lead first. And if anyone accuses you of doing it all, you can say that you tried to find other people.
I say-- go for it.
If you're rethinking youre decision to become ortho, that's okay too. Think through it carefully, but if it's what you believe, go with it. Personally, women not being allowed to lead Kabalat shabat (or lay tfilin, or wear tzitzit) is minhag, not halacha. Not that that helps you within Penn.
And sometimes, we all just have less-spiritual patches.

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

i didn't ask that many other people though. I haven't asked any of the freshman girls that I'm not friends with. really I only asked 3 people, all of who were going to be away that weekend. so i feel like i am being a bit selfish and maybe there is someone who wants to lead it. but i really dislike the freshman girls, and i'm jealous of them, so if they already have everything going for them, why should i also be forced to give one of them kaballat shabbat.

it might be minhag that women can't lead kabalat shabat, but it's the minhag in most places. and then in the places where they can, there's a 20 year waiting list, like at shirah chadasha.

[rivka-m.livejournal.com]

you aren't forced to give them anything. If it's in your best interests, offer them kabalat shabat. If it's not, then don't. Decide which you want more-- the kabalat shabat to happen, or to not ask them to do it.
I still think it's okay to lead and organize-- I've seen people do it, and I've never seen them take flak for it.

[briansue.livejournal.com]

i think you should lead it. especially if nobody else will. maybe once people see you doing it they'll want to help. in nfty i always loved your enthusiasm for judaism and the music and i think sacrificing your connection to your jewish life in that way would be a shame.

just so you know, i played settlers of katan over vacation:) my cousins had it and i nearly had a heart attack when i found out. i haven't played since folk fest!

[kressel.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I really don't know what to say. My suggestion is to go off campus and meet other frum Yidden, make new connections, but I don't know if that interests you.

[http://users.livejournal.com/stone_/]

I'm having similar troubles with my spirituality. Don't assume being male fixes any of that =[

[tourogal.livejournal.com]

being male just means you have more rules to keep you in line.

[tourogal.livejournal.com]

i am debating whether or not to weigh in. i was raised frum, fought for a while to stay frum, and still live with doubt some of the time. Also, i happen to under tremendous pressure at work, so i might just tell you that i do want to respond, but nay not be able to for a few more days.

there is no pat answer and formula to make it right. i'll think and weigh in later, ok?

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

yeah. i'd love to hear what you have to say

[tourogal.livejournal.com]

bear with me, this is a thought in progress.

first, you should just know that i went through a coed day school, a bais yaakov high school and seminary, was engaged at 19 and married at 20. I turned down Boston University for a shidduch. and given all of that, most of my religious life for a long time was done almost mechanically. Not Rosh Hashanah, and not Yom Kippur, but a lot of the rest of the year, i prayed and shuckled because people expected me to.

It took a "life event" to moderate that, and even now, 6 years later, i still don't have it. i don't pick up a tehillim or a siddur when i feel the need to pray. I turn inward and pray from the heart. I am not a ritualistic person. I am a spiritual person who draws from life to fill in the gaps.

turn inward. look inside you to feel jewish. its not easy on a college campus. pray from your heart, read Paysach Krohn, drop by Aish.com and read an essay. but if you rely on the rituals without feeling the spirit behind them then the actions are just that. actions.

There are no advantages to me being female. Girls don't get anything special in Judaism. Don't give me the apologetics about being closer to G-d and not needing so many mitzvot. I'm not closer to G-d, I'm not on a higher spiritual level.

i am going to disagree with you here though. what a woman has in judaism is a pride in herself and an ability to be independent, even if she is married with a brood of kids. you are not bound by mitzvos, but you can do them because they call to you. you can explore your own spirituality without being confined by time. of all the things i am, i am proudest of being a Jewish Woman. I have the respect born of my carriage, my modesty and my abilities. To be a jewish woman is to control destinies; yours, your husband's and your children's. think about that. this, after all i have gone through, is what kept me frum. a jewish woman has a connection to Gd that men don't have, even with all of there commandments and requirements.

i rambled, and i don't know if i said anything that made sense to you. its been a long journey for me, and each stop was a necessary one. One day, i will write the story of my father, and you may understand more about me after that. you may not. i have a friends only post on August 1, 2005 that you might want to read also. good luck on finding your road. it won;t be mine or anyone else's, but it will be yours and it will not be easy.

[archgirl06.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to tell you to go be an egal rabbi even though... well, that's what I think you should do. I know that you are trying to be the best frum jew you can be and I really want you to be happy in 'that world' but if you're not... Ugh. I am trying to be supportive but if you are the most happy doing something than do it. No one is stopping you from being less frum or more frum. G-d does not smite (word?) all us jews that don't follow the frum way.

(I have the same problems on the other side of the mechitza. And there are times I love it, adore it even and then there are days when I'm like 'why am I here?')

[desh]

Yeah, it's tough. I agree with what other people have said: that the spirituality gap is certainly not exclusive to women, and that it's okay to lead this service if you made a good effort to find other people to do so. (And I really hope you do!)

You probably think I'm going to suggest becoming non-Orthodox about now. But I'm not. Well, only sort of. Why not become a free agent of sorts? Daven Conservative and Reform once or twice each. Daven on your own or with a small (less than 10) group of people once or twice. Daven Orthodox, but use a different siddur. And yeah, leave Penn on occasion if you can. I guarantee you won't be struck by lightning if you pray once in a way that you think is halachically inappropriate, and the change of perspective might be worth the "sin".

You're not going to find your ideal davening community outside of Jerusalem. (And I bet even Shira Chadasha risks feeling stale after long enough.) So why not take advantage of all Penn has to offer, which includes 4 different regular services, a great bet midrash, and proximity to other Jewish communities in the city and other cities?

(Oh, and on that note, come to http://havurah.org/retreats/chesapeake.html!)

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

so do you hope I lead kabbalat shabbat or that I make a bigger effort to find someone else? [Sorry, the grammar of the sentence made it unclear :-p]

I don't really have issues with the siddur per-se, although I hate artscroll translation on a bunch of things. But I like it more than sim shalom, and mishkan t'fillah and gates of grey and gates of blue.

I wouldn't feel comfortable in RJC services period. I'm not sure how comfortable I'd feel in CJC.

Where is this mysterious 4th service? Sephardi kinda died if that's what you're referring to.

And I don't think I could pull together an unofficial group of less than 10 people. guys would wnat a minyan even for kabbalat shabbat, unless they're conservative in which case they'd be needed for cjc. and most ocp girls are fine with things the way they aer.

that's the problem, everyone else in the community is fine with the status quo.

Happy birthday!

[desh]

I hope you do either one! I hope the service happens. But yeah, I also hope you end up leading it.

I'm not saying you necessarily have a problem with the siddur. I'm just thinking of everything possible to get you out of your rut.

But you don't feel comfortable in OCP services right now either, is my point. Go to RJC, and feel uncomfortable, and then think about it afterwards. Figure out if there was anything missing, or why you felt uncomfortable in particular, or whatever. Sort of like that story where the house is too crowded, so the rabbi tells them to bring all the farm animals inside. At a minimum, you'll be reminded why you left and never went back, which is still a positive result.

Yeah, I meant Sephardi. Oh well.

I don't even mean an unofficial group. I just mean, go up to a couple people and say, "Hey, I'm davening on my own today. Want to join me?" (From a halachic perspective, being without a minyan can free you up to be more creative, since some parts of the service are skipped, and since there's nothing for which you're supposed to be silent and listen to someone else pray.) Even if it ends up just being you, praying by one's self on a Shabbat every so often, and not rushing through it, can be valuable.

I don't think everyone's really fine with the status quo. But I had the same problem when I was there, in that I couldn't figure out who else wasn't, or how we could do something together in the way of fixing it.

And thanks!

[nesheekah.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's "sketchy" to both organize and lead the women's services -- quite the opposite, actually. I think it shows that you're passionate about it, and if that spreads you'll have other people coming forward to lead. Or you could offer to train women to lead -- even better!

[prezzey.livejournal.com]

I would be happy to lead but I live on a different continent. :[ I'm frequently stranded in Győr for Shabbes where there is only a small Conservative community (where I wouldn't really daven anyway) and no minyan (not even there). So I'm doing it at home, by myself, at high volume, to the annoyance of my family. It's great. (No, the annoyance of my family is not great. :[ The rest is.)

You should just go ahead and lead it yourself. So what? If people don't like it, they won't come. What's the problem?

[amawahibiki.livejournal.com]

It was depressing for me before I was married too...
It's much easier being frum with a family... and when the community isn't so supportive, it can be even more of a pain.
But at least for me, I don't do it because I like it or get some reward. I do it because I know it's the right way. And it often repays every little bit of effort I put into it (like when one travels, and is instantly a part of somebody else's community, and is never trully a foreigner... well, except for the last place I went...)

[batshua]

I am sorta feeling similarly at the moment, although not as angry about it as you, I think.