On being a Jewish woman

[theyellowhobbit]

So I hate being female, and I hate being Orthodox right now.

There, it had to be said.

For the past year or so I've been having problems with my spirituality or lack thereof. For a lot of that time the issue was my depression, but that's mostly been taken care of. Still there is this big hole in what used to be meaningful Jewish life. I only daven on Shabbats now except for when I happen to be in North when there's 11pm maariv or Hillel for the occasional mincha. I only go to 2 shiurim a week and 1 chevruta. [levana_b, what ever happened to our sanhedrinness?] There hasn't been a tisch since...umm...a really long time ago. And I can't sit through shacharit without feeling antsy. The words don't have meaning for me.

I used to be connected through song. I used to get a spiritual high through leading services and reading Torah. But I'm not male, so I rarely get to do either of those things.

S and L used to organize Women's Kabbalat Shabbat, but then they got lazy/busy, and it stopped happening. So I took it upon myself to organize it.

Originally I planned on having Meira lead since I had heard she wanted to do it, but she said she can't really sing so well and she wasn't going to be there anyways.

So then that means I can lead it, right? No, I cna't, because I'm organizing it, and according to Dassi that would look a little sketchy, like I was throwing myself a kabbalat shabbat party.

So either I don't organize it, it never happens and I can't lead it, or I do organize it, I'm the organize it, and I can't lead it. I have to make a sacrifice once again.

Fine, I like doing nice things for people, but only up to a certain point, and this is something I really care about, and I really don't want to ask a freshman girl to lead it because I hate this year's freshman girls, minus the obvious exceptions of the ones I'm friendly with. All 3 of them.

And isn't it enough that I had to give up reading Torah for CJC? And no one has come foward to ask me of they could lead it.

I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it on Friday night, when Raffi or David go around looking for someone to lead Kabbalat Shabbat, and no guy wants to do it. I hate it because I'm on the other side of the mechitza, and I would die for a chance to lead it, and I can't because I'm female.

There are no advantages to me being female. Girls don't get anything special in Judaism. Don't give me the apologetics about being closer to G-d and not needing so many mitzvot. I'm not closer to G-d, I'm not on a higher spiritual level. Don't tell me that a woman's place is in the home. The home is not meaningful to me. I wasn't brought up that way. It's not my mindset. No one who I interact with on a regilar basis values the home as much as the ritual sphere of the shul. And I'm a college student, so it's not like I even have a Jewish household. I'm not married. I don't have kids. I am not making any meaningful contribution to Judaism right now, and apparently as an unmarried woman, I can't. And I hate it. This is the future of my Judaism. I may never get married. Then what? Then what was the point of me being created female? Then why am I not on the path of becoming a Reform or Conservative or Traditional Egalitarian Rabbi?

What have I gained by becoming Orthodox? Where's my reward? Where's my meaning? Where's my spirituality?