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theyellowhobbitSo Kate has talked to me a few times about assertiveness. She thinks I'm not assertive enough, and somewhere within me I have anger and I'm bottling it up, or expressing it in ways I don't see.
Honestly, until this past week, I never felt anger. I was upset and hurt, but not angry.
So there was the dream I mentioned to some about me being angry and breaking through walls. It felt really good.
Finally, I see all the anger in me.
This morning I expressed it to some extent in davening. For the first time in weeks I made myself go to services, all the while thinking how much I hated G-d, didn't want to praise Him [which a lot of davening is, so I was still saying the words], or denied His existence. It felt really good.
Then I gave my d'var halacha. On Yisodei HaTorah, the fundamental Jewish beliefs. The First belief is that G-d exists, and brought us into being. The second belief is that existence exists, and even if it didn't exist, G-d would still exist. His existence is truer than we could ever understand ours to be. G-d does not need us to exist....
Oh the irony.
Ok. Maybe I'm a kofer, but at least I can help other people believe in G-d and perform mitzvot.
So then I ran to the gym, with a lot more energy than I usually have. And I forgot my penncard, and for sure didn't have my driver's license, so I ran back, still full of energy.
I did a little bit of the Karate I remember in my room. I realize that a punching bag would be really nice right now, or someone holding one of those shields that you can kick into. We have one at home, so next break Jon could hold it for me. But I don't know what I'll do until then. If I could find an all-girls class I'd join. The problem with co-ed is all the contact, which wouldn't really jive well with my being shomer nagiah. [Yes, a koferet who still is shomer nagiah. What are the odds of that.]
I feel better now, though. I should go to the gym/not go but run or whatever more often.
Honestly, until this past week, I never felt anger. I was upset and hurt, but not angry.
So there was the dream I mentioned to some about me being angry and breaking through walls. It felt really good.
Finally, I see all the anger in me.
This morning I expressed it to some extent in davening. For the first time in weeks I made myself go to services, all the while thinking how much I hated G-d, didn't want to praise Him [which a lot of davening is, so I was still saying the words], or denied His existence. It felt really good.
Then I gave my d'var halacha. On Yisodei HaTorah, the fundamental Jewish beliefs. The First belief is that G-d exists, and brought us into being. The second belief is that existence exists, and even if it didn't exist, G-d would still exist. His existence is truer than we could ever understand ours to be. G-d does not need us to exist....
Oh the irony.
Ok. Maybe I'm a kofer, but at least I can help other people believe in G-d and perform mitzvot.
So then I ran to the gym, with a lot more energy than I usually have. And I forgot my penncard, and for sure didn't have my driver's license, so I ran back, still full of energy.
I did a little bit of the Karate I remember in my room. I realize that a punching bag would be really nice right now, or someone holding one of those shields that you can kick into. We have one at home, so next break Jon could hold it for me. But I don't know what I'll do until then. If I could find an all-girls class I'd join. The problem with co-ed is all the contact, which wouldn't really jive well with my being shomer nagiah. [Yes, a koferet who still is shomer nagiah. What are the odds of that.]
I feel better now, though. I should go to the gym/not go but run or whatever more often.
