You know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Mar. 29th, 2004 04:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theyellowhobbitI am sick and tired of this. I am fed up with always being the "other girl." With having to feign happiness for the benefit of others. With constantly being reminded by all the happy couples of the world of what I've never had, of what I really want, of what may never be. I've had it with wishing, with hoping, with praying, with always doing the right thing and never getting anything for it. With all the inequality and injustice. With the crumbling of the foundations upon which I stand.
I keep on hoping that this will be the last time; that something better will come. Then of course another thing like this happens and I am forced to rebiuld all over again; each time with more cynicism, less optimism, and a great deal of weariness. What's the point?
It has to end. I know it does. But it seems like there's no end in sight.
And here I am, a ball of insecurity, barely able to function anymore. A sight, a reminder, that's all it will take to put me over the threshold between where I can hold back the tears and where there's no point in trying anymore, and I'd be better off running. I'm running out of places to run.
I pray to G-d to solve all this, but of course, it was "meant to be." They were meant to be, I wasn't. I'm the anomaly, and no matter how hard I ty to fix myself, I never will be able to. For all the battles I fight, for all the nights I cry, for everything I've endured and for however much I've grown, there's still something fundementally wrong with me. There has to be, there's no other explanation. I've been searching, but I'm at a loss for an answer. I don't know what it is about me that makes me horribly unattractive to guys. There is nothing wrong with me that I can find [well, I'm not perfect, but nonetheless, there is nothing about my persona that can explain every single rejection I've been through. Maybe the earlier ones were a lack of confidence, but I've basically overcome that for the most part, but STILL, STILL to this very day I am having the exact same issues with guys.]
Please, please make everything better. I know I'm supposed to be patient and wait, but I've been patient for 19 years. Most normal people don't go through this much rejection before an initial acceptance [and although I'd like to count Sean, the fact that he so quickly closed himself up emotionally always leaves me in doubt as to whether or not he actually felt anything in the first place. The way he acts, it's like nothing ever happened, which is why it pains me to be around him]. Most people find someone. Maybe I'm just inherently incompatible with every guy on the planet. But I'd try, I do try. I try to change myself, to be myself, to be something. I try to be direct. I try to be patient. I try to be optimistic. I try to invoke G-d's own divine intervention [though this never works]. Nothing works. Nothing ever does. I'm so weary. Why am I always the one who does all the work? Let the guy like me for once.
I keep on hoping that this will be the last time; that something better will come. Then of course another thing like this happens and I am forced to rebiuld all over again; each time with more cynicism, less optimism, and a great deal of weariness. What's the point?
It has to end. I know it does. But it seems like there's no end in sight.
And here I am, a ball of insecurity, barely able to function anymore. A sight, a reminder, that's all it will take to put me over the threshold between where I can hold back the tears and where there's no point in trying anymore, and I'd be better off running. I'm running out of places to run.
I pray to G-d to solve all this, but of course, it was "meant to be." They were meant to be, I wasn't. I'm the anomaly, and no matter how hard I ty to fix myself, I never will be able to. For all the battles I fight, for all the nights I cry, for everything I've endured and for however much I've grown, there's still something fundementally wrong with me. There has to be, there's no other explanation. I've been searching, but I'm at a loss for an answer. I don't know what it is about me that makes me horribly unattractive to guys. There is nothing wrong with me that I can find [well, I'm not perfect, but nonetheless, there is nothing about my persona that can explain every single rejection I've been through. Maybe the earlier ones were a lack of confidence, but I've basically overcome that for the most part, but STILL, STILL to this very day I am having the exact same issues with guys.]
Please, please make everything better. I know I'm supposed to be patient and wait, but I've been patient for 19 years. Most normal people don't go through this much rejection before an initial acceptance [and although I'd like to count Sean, the fact that he so quickly closed himself up emotionally always leaves me in doubt as to whether or not he actually felt anything in the first place. The way he acts, it's like nothing ever happened, which is why it pains me to be around him]. Most people find someone. Maybe I'm just inherently incompatible with every guy on the planet. But I'd try, I do try. I try to change myself, to be myself, to be something. I try to be direct. I try to be patient. I try to be optimistic. I try to invoke G-d's own divine intervention [though this never works]. Nothing works. Nothing ever does. I'm so weary. Why am I always the one who does all the work? Let the guy like me for once.
