Coming out weekend
Feb. 28th, 2006 04:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theyellowhobbit*edit* I need a break from comments, so I'm disallowing them for now. Perhaps I'll reopen the debate at a later point in time.
Normally I wouldn't brag, but I really need to get this out.
Rabbi Mike came up to me at dinner and told me that the kabbalat shabbat I led on Friday night was the best one he's ever seen at CJC. I mean it wasn't just me, it was also the energy that J.S. added to the service. But still.
I don't think I've ever received a compliment that nice before. Or that nice that I actually believe, though this was my first CJC kabbalat shabbat since freshman year. But it made me really happy.
And surprisingly enough, this isn't a filtered entry. I led kabbalat shabbat for the conservative minyan. There. I said it. And if any OCP person asks, I'll tell them.
And no, I'm not Conservative. But I'm davening egal. But I'm actually davening, and that's something.
Ok, so perhaps I'm becoming "less frum." But I don't know if I really belong in the "frum" world. I was so happy this Shabbas, and last Shabbas. And I like counting in a minyan, and I like leading davening and reading Torah and I feel spiritually fulfilled this way, and I was just becoming so disenchanted with my Orthodox label. I'm still keeping everything, and if anything I'm becoming more religious. because what is religious, anyways? Is it keeping more halachot in the most machmir way possible? Is it following all the norms of a society, however uncomfortable they make you feel? Or is it a sincere connection to G-d which needs constant reforging?
It's hard admitting to myself that I don't fit into a nice little box. There's no place where I'm 100% comfortable, except perhaps JITW. But JITW isn't a permanent community. Maybe not fitting in is normal. I used to fit in at NFTY but now I never would. People change over time. And maybe that's ok.
Still, there are those nagging feelings. That Orthodoxy is the only legitimate form of Judaism. That I'm going "off the derech." But I don't feel very "off the derech"y. I don't really have the guilt either. I used to. Like I tried to be something wonderful, but failed. I can't be the Orthodox girl you all want me to be. But I'm not so sure it's a failing. If I was realy uncomfortable living one way, I don't think it would be right for me to live that way. I have a voice in my gut that usually doesn't let me down. It's telling me to do what I love, however corny that might sound. And I can't help but listen. Why would G-d create only one path to Torah, an absolute path, when everybody is so different? SHouldn't everybody be able to live a meaningful, spiritual, observant Jewish life happily?
So what am I? Am I transdenominational? Perhaps. I don't mind the lack of a label so much anymore, if it means I can live life for myself.
Normally I wouldn't brag, but I really need to get this out.
Rabbi Mike came up to me at dinner and told me that the kabbalat shabbat I led on Friday night was the best one he's ever seen at CJC. I mean it wasn't just me, it was also the energy that J.S. added to the service. But still.
I don't think I've ever received a compliment that nice before. Or that nice that I actually believe, though this was my first CJC kabbalat shabbat since freshman year. But it made me really happy.
And surprisingly enough, this isn't a filtered entry. I led kabbalat shabbat for the conservative minyan. There. I said it. And if any OCP person asks, I'll tell them.
And no, I'm not Conservative. But I'm davening egal. But I'm actually davening, and that's something.
Ok, so perhaps I'm becoming "less frum." But I don't know if I really belong in the "frum" world. I was so happy this Shabbas, and last Shabbas. And I like counting in a minyan, and I like leading davening and reading Torah and I feel spiritually fulfilled this way, and I was just becoming so disenchanted with my Orthodox label. I'm still keeping everything, and if anything I'm becoming more religious. because what is religious, anyways? Is it keeping more halachot in the most machmir way possible? Is it following all the norms of a society, however uncomfortable they make you feel? Or is it a sincere connection to G-d which needs constant reforging?
It's hard admitting to myself that I don't fit into a nice little box. There's no place where I'm 100% comfortable, except perhaps JITW. But JITW isn't a permanent community. Maybe not fitting in is normal. I used to fit in at NFTY but now I never would. People change over time. And maybe that's ok.
Still, there are those nagging feelings. That Orthodoxy is the only legitimate form of Judaism. That I'm going "off the derech." But I don't feel very "off the derech"y. I don't really have the guilt either. I used to. Like I tried to be something wonderful, but failed. I can't be the Orthodox girl you all want me to be. But I'm not so sure it's a failing. If I was realy uncomfortable living one way, I don't think it would be right for me to live that way. I have a voice in my gut that usually doesn't let me down. It's telling me to do what I love, however corny that might sound. And I can't help but listen. Why would G-d create only one path to Torah, an absolute path, when everybody is so different? SHouldn't everybody be able to live a meaningful, spiritual, observant Jewish life happily?
So what am I? Am I transdenominational? Perhaps. I don't mind the lack of a label so much anymore, if it means I can live life for myself.
