New LJ

So I've created a new LJ in which to post my dreams, partially so I can keep it separate, and partially so people who only want to read about my real life don't need to sift through the dreams. This journal will be friends only, but I'll probably friend anyone who is on my friends list now. Anyways, it's called tyhs_dreams (The Yellow Hobbit's Dreams, that is). I don't have anything in it yet I'll probably update from the airport or something.

What to do with my life...

I'm leaving the country tonight. I'm ready to leave, believe it or not. Usually I want to stay, but this time I've done all that I can, save going to the Rockefeller musuem and going to Hebrew U. to copy Ronny Reich's dissertation. The archaeological season is over. Most of my friends have left Israel or are leaving. And I have my theses to write...

I've been having some second thoughts on Aliyah, which is confusing me. I feel like the cultural gap between me as an American and Israelis is quite large. I could live in the Anglo bubble, but that doesn't feel right. If I come to Israel I should be Israeli. I should have Israeli friends and live an Israeli life.

If I did Archaeology at Bar-Ilan I would be immersed in Israeli culture. I'd have to know Hebrew much better than I do now, because the program is in English. But maybe that would acculturate me. I have no idea if it would work.

But now is the time where I have to apply for graduate schools. Which is a commitment. Archaeological programs are long. I wish there was something I could do for a year that would earn at least a little bit of money, so I could figure out where I want to be in life. If I could get a job at a museum or something, that might be the answer. Of course, in the meantime, I want to learn more about archaeology.

I wish I knew someone else who had been in my situation. There are definitely other people who have made aliyah, or who have become archaeologists, or maybe people who have even done both. But I'm not sure who can help me. I'm inclined to ask Rabbi Mike about the egalitarian stuff, and Ben about the archaeological stuff. Maybe the two of them combined will be able to provide me with a useful solution.

But ultimately, in the end it's my decision (assuming I have choices of grad programs, that is). It's a scary idea, that my destiny is up to me. No one will be taking care of me anymore. I have to decide where I'll be happiest. ANd the truth is that I don't know. I know that I love Jerusalem more than anywhere else I've ever lived. But I also know that I feel alone there to some extent. I don't have many friends who have actually made aliyah and are in Jerusalem. Most people are just here for the summer or the year or 2 years. But the main people in my life won't live in Israel, such as cynara_linnaea, JG, GM, MT, AG (amazing how quickly someone can turn into a close friend...), arctic_alpine, etc. I don't have anyone who I'm especially close to here. I have a lot of people who are fun to hang out with, but in the long term I think things will be tough.

In America there won't be a concentration of these people (well maybe in Maryland or NYC, who knows). I shouldn't base my life decisions on other people's lives. I should just rely on the fact that God sends you people when you need them. I've never lacked in friends. I'm grateful for that.

And I've also realized that everything that happens to me is an experience I'm meant to have, and every experience that I'm meant to have in the future will happen somehow, despite what I do to prepare for or avoid whatever it is. If I'm meant to be stranded somewhere, I'll be stranded there. If I'm meant to become an archaeologist, I'll become an archaeologist. If I'm meant to be around friends, I'll be around friends.

Only there still are choices that I make. I always try to go with what feels right. And right now nothing feels particularly right.

If only someone could make the decision for me. Or a decision, so I could either say yes or bounce off of it if it felt wrong. But life isn't that simple, is it?