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Second Nature?
Mar. 22nd, 2005 12:46 pmI was talking to Dassi last night, and one of the things I was confused about was the fact that I had worked so hard yesterday morning at hating G-d, yet I still really am dedicated to Jewish knowledge. I'm stil trying to learn everything that I can, and at least catch up to all the FFB people I'm friends with. I know it's not a race, but I still feel realy far behind.
She said that my Judaism has really become a part of me. Not to say that I do everything by rote, but that as hard as I try, I can't remove myself from them. They've become part of my nature. I wanted to get revenge on G-d and the best I came up with was davening hatefully? Seriously, come on! I could have eaten trief, or dressed untzniusly, or touched guys, or broken Shabbat [well I did a little, but that's something else entirely] or cursed G-d, or worshipped an idol... But I didn't want to do any of these things, and I still don't [well aside from the whole touching guys thing...]
It's easier for me to keep halacha than to break it, because it is really a part of me. This was a bit of a breakthrough. When, after telling Dassi all night that I hated G-d and I proceeded to say the "shehakol" bracha before eating a piece of chocolate, I became aware of it. I do this all the time. Granted, there are still halachot I don't know, but as soon as I find them out I start keeping them.
I'm no longer Rachel trying on the mask of an Orthodox Jew, feeling weird about doing all these new practices, wondering if this will be the life I will live. I knew that I wanted to be Orthodox since maybe February last year, but I didn't know if I could ever be Orthodox. Not in practice, but more in emotion.
I truly feel Orthodox now, even if at the moment I'm struggling with G-d. At least I'm not struggling with my religious identity as much as I used to be.
She said that my Judaism has really become a part of me. Not to say that I do everything by rote, but that as hard as I try, I can't remove myself from them. They've become part of my nature. I wanted to get revenge on G-d and the best I came up with was davening hatefully? Seriously, come on! I could have eaten trief, or dressed untzniusly, or touched guys, or broken Shabbat [well I did a little, but that's something else entirely] or cursed G-d, or worshipped an idol... But I didn't want to do any of these things, and I still don't [well aside from the whole touching guys thing...]
It's easier for me to keep halacha than to break it, because it is really a part of me. This was a bit of a breakthrough. When, after telling Dassi all night that I hated G-d and I proceeded to say the "shehakol" bracha before eating a piece of chocolate, I became aware of it. I do this all the time. Granted, there are still halachot I don't know, but as soon as I find them out I start keeping them.
I'm no longer Rachel trying on the mask of an Orthodox Jew, feeling weird about doing all these new practices, wondering if this will be the life I will live. I knew that I wanted to be Orthodox since maybe February last year, but I didn't know if I could ever be Orthodox. Not in practice, but more in emotion.
I truly feel Orthodox now, even if at the moment I'm struggling with G-d. At least I'm not struggling with my religious identity as much as I used to be.
