A sad entry on Goliath and other kittens
Jul. 13th, 2006 06:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theyellowhobbitThere were rumours about one of the dogs on the kibbutz having killed one of the cats. The dog was taken away by the pound this morning because apparently he didn't belong to any of the kibbutznikim.
And then Linda, my supervisor, comes over to me to say hi, and her phone rings, and she says she's going to call her friend back since she's been calling for 2 days and Linda hasn't been in the mood to talk. Why? Because one of the cats got killed. Which one? The white one. The little one that was sitting outside on the porch yesterday. Goliath? Yes. Goliath.
Which upset me, except I was already in a bad mood because I had been fasting [I broke the fast at 1:30 because I was so upset and I knew that the lack of food was one of the big causes of that.) This was the straw that broke the camel's back. But then Talya, one of my roommates, who had been using the computer while sitting outside with me, went off while I was still here playing with wireless. And then she came back with ice creams for us.
Before that I had been telling her- I shouldn't be so upset by a dead kitten, but once when I was around 10 or 11, I was with Celine at her friend's house. There were these 2 kittens and each of us had one in our laps and we were playing with them. Then mine was paying with a piece of string and started clawing it, and I was afraid she would claw me, so I let her down. And she ran across the street, which is where she lived. Then this car came speeding by, and hit the kitten. She was still alive, but her legs were broken and her pelvis might have been crushed, I'm not sure, and they were going to take her to the hospital but she would proably be euthanized. But the girl to whom the kitten belonged didn't seem upset by this. I was traumatized for life- I thought it was my fault the kitten died, since if I had just held it and perhaps let myself get clawed, she wouldn't have gotten killed. I buried the memory deep down inside where I wouldn't have to think about it. But I was reminded of it this afternoon. I mean in this case there was nothing I could do. I couldn't keep watch over Goliath 24/7, he was a kibbutz cat, and I'm only here for 4 weeks. (I can't save all the cats of Israel until I make aliyah.) But still I feel awful.
The ice cream helped a little, since I needed the chocolate and the calories to make up for the fasting I did, and I was feeling a bit better, but I dunno. I've been in a not-so good mood since yesterday. I'm not sure if I'm happy here. I called Ben last night and talked to him for almost an hour, and he said that digs are stressful, but that every day is different and to give it until the weekend. Part of it is the lack of food (we really need the peanut butter/nutella break. My stomach always starts hurting around 7:30 even if I do get breakfast) and part of it is that my square is very quiet and isolated and lonely. I mean I like being special and being the recorder, and I'm learning a lot more than I was at Dor, but at the same time I miss the Dor people and a big part of me wonders if I should be back there. Hence the long conversation with Ben. But even talking to him helped, since I miss him. And he said to touch base with him again on Monday.
But Talya wanted to work in area A to begin with, so she might switch into my square. That might make all the difference. That and now we're done with winterwash and are actually excavating so there will be more for me to do recordingwise.
I need a hug, though. I may ask Naomi for one.
And then Linda, my supervisor, comes over to me to say hi, and her phone rings, and she says she's going to call her friend back since she's been calling for 2 days and Linda hasn't been in the mood to talk. Why? Because one of the cats got killed. Which one? The white one. The little one that was sitting outside on the porch yesterday. Goliath? Yes. Goliath.
Which upset me, except I was already in a bad mood because I had been fasting [I broke the fast at 1:30 because I was so upset and I knew that the lack of food was one of the big causes of that.) This was the straw that broke the camel's back. But then Talya, one of my roommates, who had been using the computer while sitting outside with me, went off while I was still here playing with wireless. And then she came back with ice creams for us.
Before that I had been telling her- I shouldn't be so upset by a dead kitten, but once when I was around 10 or 11, I was with Celine at her friend's house. There were these 2 kittens and each of us had one in our laps and we were playing with them. Then mine was paying with a piece of string and started clawing it, and I was afraid she would claw me, so I let her down. And she ran across the street, which is where she lived. Then this car came speeding by, and hit the kitten. She was still alive, but her legs were broken and her pelvis might have been crushed, I'm not sure, and they were going to take her to the hospital but she would proably be euthanized. But the girl to whom the kitten belonged didn't seem upset by this. I was traumatized for life- I thought it was my fault the kitten died, since if I had just held it and perhaps let myself get clawed, she wouldn't have gotten killed. I buried the memory deep down inside where I wouldn't have to think about it. But I was reminded of it this afternoon. I mean in this case there was nothing I could do. I couldn't keep watch over Goliath 24/7, he was a kibbutz cat, and I'm only here for 4 weeks. (I can't save all the cats of Israel until I make aliyah.) But still I feel awful.
The ice cream helped a little, since I needed the chocolate and the calories to make up for the fasting I did, and I was feeling a bit better, but I dunno. I've been in a not-so good mood since yesterday. I'm not sure if I'm happy here. I called Ben last night and talked to him for almost an hour, and he said that digs are stressful, but that every day is different and to give it until the weekend. Part of it is the lack of food (we really need the peanut butter/nutella break. My stomach always starts hurting around 7:30 even if I do get breakfast) and part of it is that my square is very quiet and isolated and lonely. I mean I like being special and being the recorder, and I'm learning a lot more than I was at Dor, but at the same time I miss the Dor people and a big part of me wonders if I should be back there. Hence the long conversation with Ben. But even talking to him helped, since I miss him. And he said to touch base with him again on Monday.
But Talya wanted to work in area A to begin with, so she might switch into my square. That might make all the difference. That and now we're done with winterwash and are actually excavating so there will be more for me to do recordingwise.
I need a hug, though. I may ask Naomi for one.
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Date: 2006-07-13 06:50 pm (UTC)no subject
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