I could be getting 8 hours of sleep, but I'd rather write about the 10 yamei teshuva

[theyellowhobbit]

This is one of those entries where I'm starting on the premise that I'll let everyone read it, not knowing what will actually come out of my brain, but I may put it on friends only.

Rosh Hashana wasn't exactly so spiritual for me. Mussaf was amazing [Rafi Cohn's brother led it] and I tried davening with the best intent. I wish Rosh Hashana prayers included a bit where you could add your own words, like we have in the weekday amidah with Shema Koleinu. I can't attach myself to the words I say in the liturgy. Part of it was because I didn't know this shmoneh esrei, so it was long and I was stumbling through it and switched in and out of English [when they got to things that were songs, I went back to Hebrew].

Perhaps the most interesting thing is this verse, in the rememberances part:
הֲבֵן יַקִּיר לִי אֶפְרַיִם, אִם יֶלֶד שַׁעֲשֻׁעִים--כִּי-מִדֵּי דַבְּרִי בּוֹ, זָכֹר אֶזְכְּרֶנּוּ עוֹד; עַל-כֵּן, הָמוּ מֵעַי
'לוֹ--רַחֵם אֲרַחֲמֶנּוּ, נְאֻם ה
Is Ephraim a darling son unto Me? Is he a child that is dandled? For as often as I speak of him, I do earnestly remember him still; therefore My heart yearneth for him, I will surely have compassion upon him, saith the LORD.

Why? Because it came up in a conversation with Ari Levine a couple of weeks ago.

Lately I've been having a crisis of faith. Let me explain:

Jews are supposed to believe that G-d is omnipotent, that G-d is just, and that G-d cares about us. That's all well and good, in theory.
Now let's take a look at my actions pre-October last year:
I'm not going to say that I'm perfect, because I know I'm not. But I feel that I'm generally a nice person. Without effort, without chnaging my nature, I'm nice to most people, and then there are the people that i have to try to be nice to, but usually I do try to be nice to them, and I feel bad when I don't succeed.
In terms of halacha, back then I was at my peak. I had just started dressing tzniusly, keeping shabbat, keeping kosher, davening every day [making multiple minyanim in one day!], and learning. That's not to brag, since everyone in the OCP does all of that, but this was new for me, and I had to work in order to be the Jew that I was. I even stopped reading Torah in an egalitarian minyan, since that was what I believed G-d wanted me to do. I knew, really I felt that I knew G-d cared about me, and wanted me to follow this path. Every mitzvah I did gave me a warm feeling inside, and I was so happy to serve G-d.
Then last year's high holidays came up, and I repented for all of my past sins. Guaranteed Book of Life, right? I had a nice new clean slate after Yom Kippur, and I was going to try my hardest to keep it that way.
Then- BAM! Depression came out of nowhere. You can't tell me that I did something bad enough to deserve depression, because even if I had, I just repented for everything, and had the nice clean slate. And I don't think I did anything that bad after Yom Kippur either. G-d's justice is supposed to be greater than our own, as is His mercy.
Now I, all fallible and mortal, Rachel the yellow hobbit Adler, would never wish depression on my worst enemy. So even if someone hurt me horribly, if I had the poower to give them depression like I experienced it last year, I wouldn't. I might kill them or give them physical pain, but it pains me when I accidentally cause someone emotional pain. Kal v'chomer, if I deliberately caused it!
Therefore, if G-d is just and/or merciful, there's no way He could have given me depression in fairness, because I did nothing bad enough to deserve it, and even if I did, surely he would have more mercy than I would have.

Ok. Not a punishment. Now here come the hard questions-

Think. Depression may not be the worst thing in the world that can happen, but it has the annoying quality of making one who is in this condition feel that this is the worst thing in the world that can happen to them. And they lose faith. They forget that things change, and that things can get better. A psychological condition that can negate belief in G-d. [By "belief" here, I don't necessarily mean belief in G-d existence, but rather trusting G-d.] Depression is what makes you think that everything the Torah says about G-d just doesn't apply to you. Who says that G-d has to be rational? Maybe he only loves the Jewish people on a national level. Maybe He can arbitrarily decide to hate someone, or to treat them badly, for no good reason.

But the Torah doesn't say that, and the Torah must be true, right? But how do we know that? Can we trust that we had 600,000 witnesses who were at the original revelation, and that everyone passed the tradition down accurately? Or even if they did, why does G-d have to write the truth in the Torah? Maybe He writes what he wants us to believe.

And then I feel guilty for having this whole train of thought. After all, who am I to question G-d's ways?

But then it still isn't fair that I have depression, and that I have to constantly carry my emotional baggage, which weighs a lot because I am burdened by the belief that G-d created me without a bashert. [Why would G-d ever do that? Why indeed. Why does G-d create Tay-Sachs babies who will die shortly after they are born? What reward can they merit if they never have the chance to praise You, G-d?] I start questioning whether or not there really is Divine Justice.

Ok, we can question another basic premise instead. How about that G-d is omnipotent, and that He cares about our lives and influences events, or has some divine Plan for us? What do we do with that?

Maybe G-d just doesn't care. But then why would He give us the commandments in the first place? Why does He want us to serve Him? He must gain something out of it.

So maybe our experiences move Him. Maybe He feels pain when He has to punish those He loves. This is where the verse comes in. "'Therefore, My heart yearns for him, I will certainly have compassion on him'- these are the words of Hashem." G-d will have compassion, and this is Ephraim we're talking about. One of the 10 lost tribes, who turned away from G-d and worshipped idols and was punished by being exiled from Israel. Is this only on the national level? Or does G-d really feel pain with my depression?

So if G-d feels pain, what does He have to gain from me being depressed? Beforehand, I was a happy servant of G-d. Now if I perform mitzvot, I don't feel any inner joy. There's no kevanah. I'm not connecting with Hashem, He has turned me away from Him. He doesn't want me. He lost his good, happy servant.

And furthermore, what good is it doing the Jewish people, G-d's treasured people, for me to be depressed? All I've done is worry everyone in the OCP sick when I've had my bad days, and cause people to be hurt. What did they do? And wouldn't I be serving Judaism much better if I could have Jewish children? What good is it to have created me this undesirable? How are You benefitting, G-d?

I don't think G-d is benefitting.

So maybe it's a test. But I haven't grown, I havent become a better person, I haven't become a better Jew, I haven't gained faith. I've only backslidden in my observance. I haven't learned to be independent, because the depression just makes me cling to others more, and stops me from functioning at times.

And once you fail a test, shouldn't it be over? I've failed G-d, leave me be! You know me anyways, so you don't need to find out anything new. And I've learned as much as I can. Why don't I have the right to walk away from my depression and live a happy life again? Haven't I earned it by now, through either suffering or good deeds? And if not, what do I have to do? Don't I at least deserve to know what I have to do in order to get out of my depression?

Which brings me then to the conclusion that maybe G-d doesn't exist, but I don't want to believe that, becase that would erase any hope of things getting better, because I don't trust the natural order of things to be of any help.

So I've sinned in becoming a questioning Jew who no longer loves G-d, but I can't love G-d because I can't feel His love for me, so it's all His fault to begin with. So maybe I have no free will, so it would be unfair to punish me for something I couldn't control. Though at this point, I don't think there could be any worse punishment, just a continuation of what is.

I'm afraid of what Yom Kippur will bring.

Comments

[briansue.livejournal.com]

i am so sorry that you are going through all of this and that the community you love so much isn't helping you the way you need it to. i don't want to say too much because i don't want to say anything that will hurt anyone, but my heart is with you. i truly hope you find the answers you are looking for.

[kellev.livejournal.com]

That was an awesome, well thought out entry.

One thing to consider is that while you say that you've failed (assuming that it's a test), perhaps "beating" this isn't something that you should expect to be able to do now. Perhaps it has to do with patience?

Also, isn't there that whole thing about the more spiritually-elevated souls being born with greater hardships because they have to be challenged in order to perfect themselves even further?

[prezzey.livejournal.com]

G-d must read Livejournal. He would be left out of a great many things if he wouldn't.

Yes the Amidah on Rosh H is LOOOOOOONG. But it's only a once a year thing. (I think Pesach cleaning is a lot worse!!)

After all, who am I to question G-d's ways?

Doesn't everybody do that? o.O
Y'know, this is the sort of thing people post about on their journals. You're not the only one! Really. I post on boring computer issues but there are more interesting people who do all kinds of soul searching that I should be doing, and I have this feeling at times like this that they're doing it instead of me.

Ok so let me give your questions a try...

I think we don't have enough information to tackle the sort of things you're trying to tackle here... we don't know what G-d knows, and we don't even have much of a chance to guess, because we just don't have enough data, and we never will, because everything can't fit into our brains, especially not at once.

And... I haven't been posting on it (I'm only annoying my brother with late night questions instead of letting him sleep) but this whole bashert business looks really hopeless to me too. Why is it that I only meet girls who have this kind of problem, not boys? I hope G-d is not telling me to go Lesbian! ^^;

[batshua]

I'm sort of thinking some of the same things you are, especially with regard to love and/or lack thereof.

Hugs?

[sen-ichi-rei.livejournal.com]

I don't really think it's the community that can help me. part of the problem is that there are no answers, or at least none which can be reached by human intellect. As for the depression- again, not the community's fault. That's just a matter of psychology and psychiatry, and hoping that eventually medicine/therapy will work.

You can always e-mail me if you don't feel comfortable commenting. You have my e-mail.